Lady Luck's thrown me a curveball that I managed to hit, if you know what I mean. Probably not, though.
Anyway, I took my recently condemned CPU all the way down to Melaka where I managed to find a supplier (who was a friend of a cousin-in-law) who had a processor that fit my motherboard's socket type, albeit one that was slower than the current one. When I got there, I asked the guy to double check if my processor was really broken. He removed the thing, reattached it and booted the computer...
AGAINST ALL ODDS IT CAME ALIVE!!!
Turned out that I didn't actually reattach the processor properly (stupid me, but it's also partly thanks to Ivan's incomplete instructions). The guy was nice enough not to charge me anything for telling me how idiotic I was, and I went home a happy man.
Happiness was multiplied manifold due to the fact that some of the processor pins were actually bent due to misattachment to the motherboard, and I had to use a sewing needle to realign them. And yet, it still works!
That, plus the fact that I actually have an active love life now (long story, plus I'm not one to kiss and tell... not too much, at least) makes me a very, very, happy man.